You gotta read the fine print

Say there, fella. Excuse me. You local? I'm from out of town, myself. What can you tell me about this place? Why, sure I see the sign. What's the big idea? You some kind of wise guy? Of course I can read. But it's still a little vague, that's all. I'm not sure I'm savvy. What goes on inside this establishment? Why do people come here? What does everyone do in there? What can I expect to find when I go inside? Come on pal. Help a fella out, will ya?

Hey, that sounds swell. Thanks a million, chum!