Sunday, October 05, 2008

Heckle your way to fun!

Maybe you just don't enjoy sports because you haven't found an aspect that interests you personally. Well, have you ever considered making sport and folly of the competitors by ridiculing their home cities and team names? I didn't think so!

Here are some free samples. Once you get started, you'll want to make up your own. Collect 'em! Trade 'em! Hurl 'em in jest and/or anger!

  • Atlanta Braves = Mylanta Barfs - Digestive discomfort is never not funny.
  • Houston Astros = Houston Asstros - Subtle yet so powerful, much like the poetry of Sylvia Plath.
  • Chicago Cubs = Chicago Schlubs - We all know throwing Yiddish around automatically makes everything funnier, but if you're just too darn Presbyterian to pull it off, you can use Chicago Scrubs.
  • Green Bay Packers = Green Bay Quackers - Former Chicago Bears wide receiver Dennis McKinnon invented this one back in 1985.
  • Cleveland Indians = Cleveland Indiots
  • Detroit Pistons = Detroit Pissed-Ons
  • New York Islanders = New York Crylanders
  • New Orleans Saints = New Orleans Aints - A classic. If you're not using this one, you're just not trying.
  • Nashville Predators = Nashville Sexual Predators
  • New England Patriots = New England Pet Rocks - Everybody loves the '70s.
  • Florida Panthers = Shitty City Kitties - Nobody likes Miami.
  • Seattle Mariners = Seattle Morons - I personally heard Tom Paciorek use this term when someone (me) asked him to autograph one of his Mariners baseball cards after he was traded to the White Sox (yes, he gladly signed it).
  • New York Yankees = New York Skankees or New York Yank-Me's - Some people are now using New York Bankees, which alludes to The Evil Empire's tendency to try to solve all their problems by throwing money at them, but it sounds too much like New York Binkies and that's adorable.
  • Philadelphia Phillies, Flyers, Eagles or 76ers = Filthadelphia Phillies, Flyers, Eagles or 76ers - Get it? Their city is dirty. Zing!
  • Buffalo Sabres = Buffalo Slobbers - Gross.
  • Chicago White Sox = Chicago White People - I used to have a roommate who used this one. I asked him what it meant and why he considered it an insult and he said, "because black people dance like this (dances real funky and smooth) and white people dance like this (dances all stiff and dorky)".

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