Wednesday, October 01, 2008

We have lost our everlovin' minds

Welcome to Planet WTF! Hold on tight because we are officially, totally out of control. This ride has not just jumped the rails, we've left the whole stinkin' amusement park. WEEEE!! This should actually come as something of a relief to people who believe in and are troubled by things like vast, intricate conspiracies and The Matrix. It's apparent that nobody is capable of orchestrating and implementing any kind of master plan. Think about it, when was the last time you heard anybody come up with an idea? Any idea, about any thing. Something good or bad, agree or disagree. Anything! If somebody stood up today and said "Hey, let's boil some frogs!", would that be any less demented than the proposed bailout?
Face it, folks. Insanity is now the most common denominator. 'Crazy' is the new 'Caucasian heterosexual male between ages 35 and 55'. Need proof?
  • In a display of passive aggressiveness on a previously unimagined scale, the $700 billion financial bailout bill was rejected because some Republicans had their delicate feelings hurt by remarks made in a speech by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Yeah, take that, economy.

  • Americans say we are tired of nasty political campaigns. Actually, we've been saying that for years. I've been voting since 1982 and people complaining about hostile political campaign tactics is as common as observations that the Christmas season seems to start earlier every year. Yet, we (voters, not candidates) are routinely engaging in shenanigans that are just as nasty and childish. I saw a comment on a blog recently that people who plan to vote for John McCain are "wastes of human life". Jesus! Really?

  • Cindy Michaels, a Maine TV news anchor who bears a resemblance to Sarah Palin, says she's been getting "hate mail and nasty phone calls" from viewers who think she's trying to copy Palin's signature style. Michaels from WVII-TV has long brown hair that she sometimes wears up in a style similar to Palin's, and she also wears glasses on occasion. Michaels says viewers recently began accusing her of trying to copy Palin's style or, worse, somehow trying to subliminally sway votes.

  • In related news, Yvonne Craig has been accused of being a sexy cyborg sent back in time for the purpose of subliminally influencing prepubescent boys in the '60s into being attracted to Sarah Palin and voting Republican in 2008. The Craiginator has a long history of subliminally influencing boys to do all kinds of things. Tina Fey and naughty librarians everywhere are on notice as well.
  • People keep accusing Barack Obama of being a muslin. I don't see what the problem is. Muslin is an excellent fabric for clothing worn in hot, dry climates. Seeing as how the whole planet is on it's way to being one big hot, dry climate, being a muslin would seem to make one uniquely qualified to occupy the position of the world's most powerful political leader.

  • Alan Fishman was awarded a $7.5 million signing bonus when he was hired as chief executive officer of Washington Mutual on September 7, a position he held for 18 days.
    His employment agreement also provided for a $6.15 million lump sum payment as severance.

  • I wore a shirt inside out today, all day long and nobody said a word. I finally noticed at 3:00 but didn't even bother to change. Man, that is CRAZY!
It's all just so random and arbitrary and chaotic. Am I saying we should all give up hope? No, I'm not. There is always hope. You're just as likely to enjoy a perfectly delicious taco platter for lunch as you are to find a clump of pubic hair in it. The odds are still good enough that it's worth rolling the dice, as long as you recognize that's really all it is.

It's not hopeless. Pointless, maybe. But not hopeless.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yes, actually, people who plan to vote for McCain are, in fact, wastes of human life, Clark.