Thursday, October 09, 2008

Rally time!

Today, I am writing about politics. I know that it is virtually impossible to find anybody discussing their opinions on this subject anywhere on the internet, but that's why YOU read THIS BLOG...exciting, cutting edge content the likes of which simply can't be found anywhere else.
Anyway, here are some observations from today's rally for Democratic vice president nominee Sen. Joe Biden at the USF Sun Dome...

  • I get there early and am very excited about voting because I want to get back in line over and over and do it a whole bunch of times. "Yay!", I think, "I'm going to make a president today!"
  • I am disappointed to learn that I was apparently very confused about several aspects of what would be taking place at today's event. However, I don't leave because they have donuts.
  • I'm interested to hear what Mr. Biden has to say about the economy. I find myself eating a lot of meals consisting of Top Ramen Noodles these days and it would be nice to have some water to cook them in once in a while.
  • Spontaneous chants are breaking out in the arena. I don't know what they're saying but it sounds like "Pepsi Can! Pepsi Can!". Must have something to do with recycling.
  • While sitting there waiting for the program to start, I think about how Republican candidates John McCain and Sarah Palin get such a kick out of calling themselves mavericks. Maverick was the name of a family of cattle ranchers in Texas who didn't brand their cattle, letting them range freely and independently across their land. The unbranded cattle were referred to by other ranchers as Mavericks. The term came to characterize people who were similarly unbranded by conformist society. Since McCain and Palin are so proudly and unabashedly branded as Republicans, then by definition they can't be mavericks. Neither can Democrats, for that matter. However, I, as a registered independent, am by definition a true maverick. I guess my question is, whom do I sue?
  • Once things get rolling, we have to stand up twice. Once for an invocation and again for the Pledge of Allegiance. I am surprised that I still remember the words. I'm also surprised that I still can't help but think of invisible witches when we get to the part that says "...for which it stands: one Nation indivisible..."
  • I know this event is taking place on a college campus because Rep. Kathy Castor is on stage asking, "Can we afford four more years of Bush politics in the White House?" and before I can even think about it, everybody else in the whole building hollers out the correct answer ("NO!"). I didn't go to college but I have no doubt that this is exactly what would have happened every single day if I had.
  • More chanting, which now sounds like "Mex-i-can! Mex-i-can!". As a result, I would like tacos for lunch.
  • Signs are handed out to people in the crowd. For some reason, they don't hand them out to anybody in our section. Now I'm worried Joe Biden is going to come out, look around and say, "Hold on a minute; why no signs over there? What the hell is their problem?". An aide will run up and whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry sir, but we watched those people coming in and determined that some of them are just not capable of operating a hand-held sign with no moving parts. It's a public safety issue, sir."
  • They're playing "Think" by Aretha Franklin. White people are figuring out how to clap along. "Oh,'s 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4 and then you clap on the 2's and 4's. I see what they're getting at here! How fun!"
  • Chanting yet again. I think I have it figured out now and join in with chants of "Les-bi-ans! Les-bi-ans!". People around me are looking at me so I stop and sit down.
  • I really want a sign and am jealous of the people who got them. Kevin Beckner, a candidate for the Hillsborough County Commission is walking around greeting people in the crowd. If he gave me a sign, I would hold it up for him. I wonder if he would let me just hold him up. I think that would send some kind of message!
  • A guy dressed like Jack Hanna comes out on the stage and approaches the podium and checks the microphone set-up. I pray that it IS Jack Hannah and he is going to address the crowd: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take a minute to tell you about the very real and very serious threat posed to us by giraffes."
  • Again I am disappointed.
  • Sen. Bill Nelson introduces Jim Piccillo who introduces Joe Biden...sorta. And what happens after that goes like this.
  • You know, the state of Florida has taken a lot of heat nationally for screwing up the last two presidential elections. We've been ridiculed as being nothing more than a haven of senior citizens and idiots who are either disinterested or simply not capable of participating in the process. Well, I'm here to tell you all that there's nothing to worry about this time because...

    Oh shit.


Katherine said...

Dear jerk,
You know, I bet 90% of your readers are Democrats, so you might not want to make fun of them if you want them to keep coming back.

Wendy M said...

Dear Katherine,
Lighten up and leave my boy Clark alone!
90% of the Democrats, including me, have a sense of humor and the common sense to recognize when they're being made fun of.