Monday, April 06, 2009

Play Ball!

In celebration of my favorite holiday, Major League Baseball Opening Day, here's a special encore presentation from the archives (aka a rerun). Go Rays!!


** A short biography of DR. ROBERT H. GODDARD **

1882; Born in Worcestor, MA.

1889; Pops up 3-0 pitch with bases loaded, two out in 9th inning of Worcester "Li'l Shavers League" championship game. Coach refuses to buy him a chocolate phosphate afterwards.

1888-1898; Attends school in Boston.

1911; Boston Red Stockings scout Leland 'Fuzzy' Suggs files this scouting report: "R.Goddard: high school boy, weak hitter, poor range & mobility, throwing arm is suspect, makes poor tactical decisions, does not seem to have a grasp on the fundamentals of playing the game. Marginal prospect at best. Knows all about rockets though. I don't. What the hell is a rocket? No such thing exists!"

1912; Becomes first to explore mathematically the practicality of using rocket power to reach high altitudes & escape velocity.

1913; Released by Class C Hopkinsville (KY) Tobacco Stretchers for repeatedly failing to hit the cut off man.

1914; Awarded first two patents for rocket apparatus: U.S.Letters Patent #1,102,653 liquid-fuel gun rocket; U.S. Letters Patent #1, 103,503 a multistage step rocket. Named manager of Class D Clinton (IA) Rail Splitters. Starts #1 pitcher Doyle "Big Mucelage" Lortigan on only three days rest against last place team. Lortigan injures shoulder, resulting in amputation by pre-Tommy John surgeons. Clinton loses pennant by 1/2 game. Goddard is fired. Lortigan dies broke and alone.

1915; Becomes first to prove experimentally that a rocket will provide thrust in a vacuum. Hired to manage Class E Mud Lake (MD) Girth Carriers. Franchise finishes last for the first time in 27 years, moves out of town. World's Fair committee decides that without baseball, event should be held in San Francisco instead of Mud Lake. Goddard is tarred, feathered and dragged out of town behind a team of oxen. Entire town of Mud Lake later contracts Polio and burns down (seperate incidents).

1917-1945: Develops the basis for the rocket weapon, later known as the bazooka. Publishes first U.S. basic mathematical theory underlying rocket propulsion & rocket flight. Develops first rocket motor using liquid propellants. Tests first rocket containing instruments. Develops first gyro stabilization apparatus for rockets. Becomes first to use deflector vanes in the blast of the rocket motor as a method of stabilizing & guiding rockets. Launches first liquid-propellant rocket which attained a speed greater than that of sound. Serves as director of scouting for Chicago Cubs, where he files the following report, "Perhaps one day a negro will play professional major league baseball, but I am quite certain it will not be this Jack Robinson fellow. He has no discernible athletic ability nor the strength of character to endure such an undertaking."

1945: Dies.

1945-present day: Chicago Cubs suck.

1 comment:

Ruprecht said...