Friday, July 10, 2009

Some people get all the breaks

You know who's got it pretty damn good? Innocent bystanders, that's who. Everybody automatically loves the innocent bystander. Every time some shit goes down and people who weren't involved are killed, the saddest head-shaking is reserved for the IBs (innocent bystanders). No matter what. You could be the biggest dirtbag in the world, but you get cut down in a hail of stray gunfire just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and your status as an IB is cemented forever. Forever! That's all anybody will ever remember about you. Your slate is wiped clean and people you never even met would say your passing was a tragedy. Wouldn't that be sooo nice? You could get killed in a shootout between cops and robbers at a bank you were on your way to rob yourself, except you stopped along the way to return some kiddie porn, pick up an 8 ball of cocaine and run over some kittens and all anybody would say is, "that poor, poor man". Lucky, lucky bastards!
You don't even have to do anything. That's the key component and the most unfair thing I've ever heard of. Eating lunch, picking up milk at a convenience store, generally minding your own business. Whatever. But one shot fired by somebody who is also minding their own business (really, if you think about it, that's what they're doing; nobody invited your dumb ass to participate. You're a bystander. Your job is to stand by) hits you in the temple and just like that, the mayor is offering a moment of silence on your behalf at the next chamber of commerce luncheon.
Man!
What about me? I want some of that sweet action. Do you know how many problems being an IB would solve for me? I can't even list them all but trust me, it's a lot. I think I ever had the opportunity I'd try to help. I can see myself whispering softly to a cracked-out madman waving a gun around wildly, "easy now...breathe...aim and squeeze the trigger, don't pull it...". Because you want him hitting center mass, where your vital organs are. Headshots are tricky and the last thing you want is to be merely wounded and possibly severely disabled. That would suck. That I do NOT want.
Although...they're IBs too, and people love them just as much. Maybe even more. Hell, okay. I'll take wounded. No downside either way. Except the physical pain part. But still. Okay, then. Count me in.

1 comment:

ChrisC and JonJ said...

Did you eat too much sugar last nite?