Friday, March 25, 2011

Muffin update: ploobadoof

Yes. Exactly.
Like many men my age, a huge chunk of my adolescence was wasted reading Mad magazine (while turning up my nose at the vastly inferior Cracked; Cracked at the time was to Mad what "The Family Guy" is to "The Simpsons"). For me, Mad was a gateway magazine, leading directly to National Lampoon which led directly to the original Saturday Night Live which introduced me to Monty Python's Flying Circus, Second City TV and later, Kids In The Hall, The Onion, etc. Cut to the present day and the end result is me typing the night away while wearing a Walter Payton football jersey with no pants and weighing the pros and cons of classing up my dinner of store-brand ravioli in a can by cracking open a bottle of Yoo Hoo vs saving it for a special occasion, like company coming over (hey, it could happen).
Anyway, the other day I fell into a conversation with two friends that started with something I overheard that day on the bus that turned into this:
ME: Here's something I learned on the bus today by listening to one of my fellow passengers: "Normally a doctor won't come see you unless you're dilated at least 4 centimeters." Isn't it interesting what people will discuss and share in public?
RUPE: You may have a really long wait. Don’t hold your breath …

ME: I know. My eyeballs are simply not that big.
TONIANNE:   Dude, I call dibs on your PR. I'm *confident* I can get you at least twice what the Virgin Mary on the decade-old cheese sandwich netted.
ME: Twice as much as an old cheese sandwich? That's an all-time high for me. Sold!
TONIANNE: And if we can bag Bieber's swagger coach, who knows how much we can command.
ME:  Is it possible to swagger while dilated? Doesn't stuff, you know, fall out?
TONIANNE:  That's when centrifugal force and the coriolis effect kick in. You're good.
ME:  Okay. Because otherwise: *CLUNK!* "Aww man, my pancreas!"
ME: Of course, I'm kidding: the correct cartoon sound effect for one's pancreas falling out of their body is *SCHLOONK* followed by *SPLORP*, not *CLUNK*. Otherwise, the premise is solid (so to speak).
TONIANNE: Wait - "Splorp" I get, unfortunately. But "Clunk?" Methinks thou consumeth too much iron.
ME:  Well sure, you have to factor in the individual's physical condition, as well as floor surface, to be truly accurate. But I'd say with an average American's diet and a hardwood or terrazzo floor, this is pretty close to scientifically correct.

Yes, I had put a lot of thought into it, for which I blame Don Martin, one of Mad's most legendary artists and writers. Martin's cartoons were famous for the distinctive look of his characters (like balloon animals with wiry hair and floppy feet) and the unique, onomatopoetic "sound effects" he came up with ("Ploobadoof" is the noise you hear when Wonder Woman unsnaps her bra). I got more than *SCHLOONK* and *SPLORP* too...
The sound you make when a goon picks you up off the floor by your throat

Exceptionally bad diarreah 

A groom re-distributing masticated food into his newlywed bride's mouth because she has a rare, debilitating condition that causes soft teeth, rendering her unable to chew her own food, thereby proving his love for her. This one is very rarely used but is the particular favorite of someone affiliated with Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City.

Which reminds me to attempt the most painfully awkward segue ever...

Don't forget to help me in my effort to fight cancer via the Temple Terrace Relay For Life (April 15, Greco Middle there!) and have a custom muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in the process!

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

1 comment:

Jessie said...

I see your "glork", and I raise you a uhglackkkk. (the sound a cat makes coughing up a hairball)