Muffin update: ploobadoof



Yes. Exactly.

Like many men my age, a huge chunk of my adolescence was wasted reading Mad magazine (while turning up my nose at the vastly inferior Cracked; Cracked at the time was to Mad what "The Family Guy" is to "The Simpsons"). For me, Mad was a gateway magazine, leading directly to National Lampoon which led directly to the original Saturday Night Live which introduced me to Monty Python's Flying Circus, Second City TV and later, Kids In The Hall, The Onion, etc. Cut to the present day and the end result is me typing the night away while wearing a Walter Payton football jersey with no pants and weighing the pros and cons of classing up my dinner of store-brand ravioli in a can by cracking open a bottle of Yoo Hoo vs saving it for a special occasion, like company coming over (hey, it could happen).
Anyway, the other day I fell into a conversation with two friends that started with something I overheard that day on the bus that turned into this:
ME: Here's something I learned on the bus today by listening to one of my fellow passengers: "Normally a doctor won't come see you unless you're dilated at least 4 centimeters." Isn't it interesting what people will discuss and share in public?
RUPE: You may have a really long wait. Don’t hold your breath …

ME: I know. My eyeballs are simply not that big.
TONIANNE:   Dude, I call dibs on your PR. I'm *confident* I can get you at least twice what the Virgin Mary on the decade-old cheese sandwich netted.
ME: Twice as much as an old cheese sandwich? That's an all-time high for me. Sold!
TONIANNE: And if we can bag Bieber's swagger coach, who knows how much we can command.
ME:  Is it possible to swagger while dilated? Doesn't stuff, you know, fall out?
TONIANNE:  That's when centrifugal force and the coriolis effect kick in. You're good.
ME:  Okay. Because otherwise: *CLUNK!* "Aww man, my pancreas!"
TONIANNE: Ew.
ME: Of course, I'm kidding: the correct cartoon sound effect for one's pancreas falling out of their body is *SCHLOONK* followed by *SPLORP*, not *CLUNK*. Otherwise, the premise is solid (so to speak).
TONIANNE: Wait - "Splorp" I get, unfortunately. But "Clunk?" Methinks thou consumeth too much iron.
ME:  Well sure, you have to factor in the individual's physical condition, as well as floor surface, to be truly accurate. But I'd say with an average American's diet and a hardwood or terrazzo floor, this is pretty close to scientifically correct.

Yes, I had put a lot of thought into it, for which I blame Don Martin, one of Mad's most legendary artists and writers. Martin's cartoons were famous for the distinctive look of his characters (like balloon animals with wiry hair and floppy feet) and the unique, onomatopoetic "sound effects" he came up with ("Ploobadoof" is the noise you hear when Wonder Woman unsnaps her bra). I got more than *SCHLOONK* and *SPLORP* too...

*HURNGK!*

The sound you make when a goon picks you up off the floor by your throat

*SKLISH!*

Exceptionally bad diarreah 

*GLORK!*

A groom re-distributing masticated food into his newlywed bride's mouth because she has a rare, debilitating condition that causes soft teeth, rendering her unable to chew her own food, thereby proving his love for her. This one is very rarely used but is the particular favorite of someone affiliated with Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City.

Which reminds me to attempt the most painfully awkward segue ever...

Don't forget to help me in my effort to fight cancer via the Temple Terrace Relay For Life (April 15, Greco Middle School...be there!) and have a custom muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in the process!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: let's take a break, shall we?

I know I said I'd be flogging the blog daily in an effort to reach my goal of $1500 for the Temple Terrace Relay For Life in order to have a delicious, signature muffin created and named in my honor at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City. But I'm currently stuck in a relatvely short turnaround between shifts at work and don't really have time for any new content today. So let's just all take a day off and hit it hard again tomorrow, shall we? Of course if you want to donate, far be it from me to stop you; merely scroll down (or up,depending on what day you read this and/or how your computer machine is oriented) and find the appropriate links to do so. And now, just for funsies, let's be among the 2,380,326 people to enjoy this short video of kitties on a slide. I think we've earned it.

Muffin update: a visit to the Tre Amici lab

Looks yummy!

The other day, I snuck into Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City. Why snuck? Because it's the past tense of sneak and it happened in the past. No stupid, why was sneaking necessary, since it's a business establishment that's open to public patronage. Because I didn't just go in the coffee shop part, I went behind the scenes, into the super secret test lab where work is proceeding as we speak on the Clark muffin prototype, henceforth knows as the X1 (which makes it sound like the first muffin capable of breaking the sound barrier). Let me be the first to tell you; it's going to be amazing. Reason number 1: the Bunker has their top muffin designer Victoria Boukalis working on it. If you're not familiar with Victoria's work, you're probably hungry right now. We'll have a fix for that...soon...hopefully...if we can just hit this modest goal of $1500.00. Let's go!!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: enter The Wood Guy

Huh huh huh. Wood.

This here is my friend Kirk Moss, also known as The Wood Guy. Kirk is an award-winning artist who lives in the Seminole Heights neighborhood of Tampa where he makes things. Out of wood. I bet the pioneers wish they'd thought of that. Maybe they wouldn't have all died off and the United States wouldn't have needed to be re-populated by visitors from another planet (hey, thanks again Xyklon 9!). I don't know why I didn't include him under the "Artists I like...and feel good about recommending" section prior to now but he's in there now. He does amazing work. I've included some photos so you can see for yourself. You can also check out his web site or you may find him at one of the local markets held around here on weekends. 

If you're wondering what any of this has to do with muffins or fighting cancer, well, Kirk is also a veteran member of our Relay For Life team, Team Daddy-O Alley Katz. Last night he told me he is working on a walking stick for Relay that will have a glass ball on top with a light inside of it. As it turns out, I am fresh out of light-up pimp canes and may be absconding with that particular item if he turns his back on it during Relay. 

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: You think I'M obnoxious?

I'm hiring this guy. He knows what time it is!

Thanks to erstwhile rogue Jeff Hickmott for finding it and letting me steal it from him.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

 

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin uodate: there's so much going on

As Japan continues to deal with the after effects of the earthquake and tsunami, the most critical issue right this second is getting damaged nuclear reactors under control. As you might expect, children there are scared and confused. This is a video that was created to explain the situation in terms that they can understand. Now, it's no secret that the Japanese bring a unique and distinct style to storytelling, so it shouldn't be a surprise that this video is...unique and distinct.

So yeah, this post really doesn't have much to do with the whole Muffinquest deal...directly, anyway. But it's kind of related in that I feel like I'm not honoring my role as a member of the human race if I don't wish for all the help and support the people of Japan need right now. In the meantime, the battle against cancer rages on and I wouldn't be honoring my commitment to fighting it if I didn't respectfully ask for your help in that area too. I know, I know. The sheer number of people who need food, money, shelter, money, medicine, money, clothes, money and money right now is absolutely overwhelming and almost impossible to comprehend rationally. And I know as well as anyone that times are tough right here within the four walls of our own homes (presuming we're fortunate to have even that right now). All I can do...all anybody can do...is ask that that you do what you can. And assure you beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever it is, it's sincerely appreciated.
Just kind of felt like I needed to acknowledge that and I'm very pleased I got to do so while sharing a video that mentions poop a whole bunch of times.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: a good idea

The state of Georgia weeps

This is a picture of something I saw at a neighborhood corner market the other day (in the cooler, of course): Mogen David 20/20, also known as "Mad Dog", Peaches and Cream.
This is a very, very bad thing and buying it with the intention of drinking it, even as a goof, is a very, very bad idea.
In case you don't know, "Mad Dog" is what is known as a "fortified wine". What it's fortified with is an alcohol content between 15% and 20% plus artificial colors and flavors and sugar. This, along with similar wines of it's ilk like Nighttrain, Ripple and Thunderbird, are only to be consumed if you can't get your hands on anything else, either due to constraints resulting from financial status or parental rules. That's because it's as liable to make you sick as it is to get you drunk...and it will get you drunk. If you're shopping in a store that carries this product, you're flirting dangerously close to the rocky bottom as it is. Don't fall victim to a bad idea by imbibing this swill.

A better idea is to donate to my campaign to battle cancer by raising $1500 for Relay For Life, which will also result in Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City naming a muffin after me. For just $10 you can help in the fight against a disease that continues to destroy people's lives, plus help me become world famous among muffin enthusiasts for eternity plus win a gift basket of the darned things for yourself...or you could buy a couple of bottles of shitty wine that will make you pass out in your own sick. Doesn't really seem like a difficult choice to me.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: still more interactivity for you

The folks at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City are busy, busy people. In addition to eventually giving me what is rightfully mine some time sooner than later (namely, a muffin namely named after me, once we hit this goal of $1500 for the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life), they're also in competition to be crowned Tampa Bay's best breakfast joint. It's a tournament, bracket style, and it's being put on by Creative Loafing. As you may be aware, Creative Loafing's competitions are nasty, vicious affairs that destroy personal relationships forever and ever...at least when I'm involved.

A certain person whose name shall not be mentioned with whom I don't exchange Christmas cards or dreidels or whatever since the last contest

And I'm involved in this one now. So please click here to vote for Tre Amici in this second round battle versus The Refinery, an establishment which I've yet to visit personally but have no reason to believe is anything less than excellent, but for the sake of what we've got going on over here, we'll pretend that they're just a shade not. If Tre Amici wins, it will (hopefully) bring more attention to our cause here. Regardless, all of this shameless cross promotion should result in a little "scratch-my-muffin, I'll-scratch-yours" reciprocation in terms of publicity which will eventually pay off in donations. I'm looking at you (among others), Joran Slane Oppelt, Marketing & Promotions Director at Creative Loafing!

Hey, I'm fightin' cancer over here, bub!

So again, click here to vote for Tre Amici. It doesn't cost a thing...unlike Muffinquest, where, make no mistake, we're all about taking your money (although is is for a good cause...honestly).

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: Happy St. Patrick's Day

"Oh, hello and Happy St. Patrick's Day! My name is Bono O'Bennigan and I'm the legendary Leprechicken! What's that? You say you've never heard of me? Don't feel bad, few have. That's because while St. Pat gets all the credit for driving the snakes out of Ireland and Leprechauns are famous for their pots of gold, I'm responsible for all the things about pseudo-Irish culture that are a wee bit less charming. Specifically, car bombs, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" t-shirts and Michael Flatley. And I'm here to tell you that I might not sneak into your homes at night and poop in your potatoes or turn your kids' hair red or hum the Notre Dame fight song in your ear while you sleep if you don't donate some cash to Clark's Muffinquest campaign (fight cancer and get a muffin named after the lad at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City in the process)...but why take that unnecessary risk?"  

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: coming soon!

I can't share a lot of details (because there aren't any yet) but there will be an event soon, taking place at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City. There will be food (muffins?), music and lots of fun. "Come on, Clark! Tell us all about it!", you say. To which I reply, I can't do that. Not yet. "Tell us! Tell us, please!", you plead. Nope, I reply. "Tell us. Right now. Or we will kick you in the eye", you threaten. I stammer in response, wait...that's not. Then you shove me in the shoulder and say, "what are you going to do about it, huh? Gonna tell your mommy?" And I answer, maybe you people aren't who I thought you were. To which you reply, "Aw, we're just kidding. Relax, you big, ugly, stupid doofus."
Oh. Okay then. So yeah, a party, of sorts, coming soon. Watch this space for details. In the meantime...

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

Muffin update: sneak attack!

I bet you weren't expecting me to mention the ongoing effort to raise $1500 for The America Cancer Society's Relay For Life, which would result in Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City to name a muffin after me, since I already posted something completely unrelated earlier but guess what?

NO ONE expects Tre Amici @ The Bunker to name a muffin after me if I don't raise $1500!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION OF $10 OR MORE TO MY EFFORT TO FIGHT CANCER VIA RELAY FOR LIFE AND GET A MUFFIN NAMED AFTER ME IN THE PROCESS

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS TO ME AT:

3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,

Tampa, FL, 33614

And now for something completely different...

I really hope a certain someone enjoyed that. I'm willing to bet she did.

Me vs The Juice

No, not steroids, not O.J. Simpson and not the current that flows through an electric chair (2000 volts of crispy justice!). "The Juice*" is the name of the celebrity news column that appears in TBT* (Tampa Bay Times; they enjoy placing asterisks at the end of names of things for some reason), the free daily digest version of the St. Pete Times and in the form of a blog on the St. Pete Times web site. It's written by Joshua Gillin and on March 9th, he posted this headline:
"The Juice* declares a week free from Charlie Sheen after he bashes Jon Cryer"
Here are some highlights from what followed:

"Okay, folks, we all have to admit the time is long past due: The Juice* is declaring a one-week holiday on Charlie Sheen news (barring a trip to the hospital, jail or the morgue, of course)."

"You see, since he called costar Jon Cryer a "turncoat" and a "troll" in an E! News interview Tuesday, the downward spiral is speeding up too fast to catch up..."

"Throw in the discussions that Sheen may have already blown through most of his cash despite making $1.8 million per episode, and rock bottom seems to be coming up fast. The Juice* declared a week free of Britney Spears prior to her ending up in a mental hospital, so that's what I'm going to do here. I truly wish Sheen and his family well, but the best thing we all can do for this traffic accident now is to look away, because we're only making the driver step on the gas otherwise."

I thought this was a rather pompous, and frankly, dishonest pronouncement, considering how much content published in The Juice* is devoted to the exploits of celebrity behavior like this (delivered with heaping spoonfuls of snarky commentary, of course). The Juice* gets a lot of material out of celebrities pressing the accelerator to the floor in their pursuits of "rock bottom". Believing that Mr. Gillin wishes Sheen and his family well while gently coaxing readers to "look away" is kind of like believing Wile E. Coyote is  concerned that the Roadrunner might have lost a step on his 40-yard-dash times. So I went to Twitter and snarked up a pronouncement of my own:

"Please join me in sarcastic applause for the selectively high-minded @tbtjuice & their decision to ignore @charliesheen #clap #clap #clap"

This resulted in a reply from Mr. Gillin and the following exchange:

GILLIN: "Can't win for losing, as Papa Juice* used to say."
ME: "I just think it's disingenuous to act like you're not chronicling this human trainwreck for moral reasons when it's what you do"
GILLIN: "Sorry, but it is a moral reason. Don't you think media outlets should be weaning off @charliesheen as well? Can't win, huh?"
ME: "I do and you'll have more credibility regarding your moral decisions if you apply that criteria to the next @charliesheen..."
ME: "...and we all know there will be a next one, don't we?"

ME: "Or if that standard had been applied previously (Spears, Winehouse, Lohan, Gibson etc)"
GILLIN:: "As I noted, I did it for Britney Spears, too. Hold me to it, if you'd like."
ME: "Okay, so maybe it's me and I just don't understand what the standard is. Winehouse = hilarious. Spears = tragic?"

ME: "Or is it a shelf life? Spears, Sheen situations funny for x number of days, then turn into a matter of concern?"

ME: "Because it just seems arbitrary to me and that undercuts any morality behind it, IMHO"

GILLIN: "Don't write about Winehouse anymore, either"
ME: "Okay, fair enough."


If this sounds at all like I'm offended by what Joshua Gillin writes or taking a stance that what he does is somehow "wrong" and I think he and other journalists who report on this kind of thing should stop for the sake of, I don't know, making us all better people or something, let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I have no problem whatsoever with what Mr. Gillin does. I hope he makes a ton of money doing it. In fact, he probably deserves a raise. It's not my thing but obviously, there is a huge appetite for this stuff and he's doing nothing wrong in making a living by feeding that appetite. It's not my job (or his) to be setting standards for anybody else's morality.Thank goodness, because I wouldn't even want that burden and plus I'd be terrible at it. It's just that I doubt the face value, if not the sincerity of the message he's sending here and I think that misrepresents the true nature of what it is he does. Not to say that he's a liar, but when I read "The Juice* declares a week free from Charlie Sheen after he bashes Jon Cryer" what I hear in my head is "The Juice* is bored with Charlie Sheen, or is at least worried that readers might be, and is looking forward to The Next Big Terrible Thing". And if that's the case (which I truly believe it is, based on past history/established patterns), he shouldn't act like it's not. That, I do find offensive. Ultimately, we are all who we are and we do what we do. And while in cases that don't involve actually harming others, we shouldn't be punished or forced to apologize for it, we also shouldn't be allowed to be full of shit about it either.
But who knows? I could be wrong. We'll see.   (Read it in it's entirety here, if you like)

Muffin update: woops!

I've been a little baffled that small donations haven't been coming in. I understand as well as anybody and probaby better than some that times are extremely tough and good people who may want to do something good by contributing to campaigns like this simply can't. But I thought surely they'd toss a buck or two my way and I wondered why that wasn't happening. Well, yesterday I was poking around on my Relay For Life page and noticed that it's not set up to accept donations smaller than $10.

Well, nobody reads this blog because they think I'm really smart

So here's what we can do:

• Go to your local Amscot or similar check-cashing establishment that offers free money orders.
• Get one for whatever amount you like.
• Mail it to me at: 3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202, Tampa, FL, 33614
• I'll handle it from there. You'll get full credit and entry(ies) into the gift basket drawing.
• You can also send checks the same way and skip the Amscot (your loss though; they hand out Tootsie Rolls by the handful!)

AND OF COURSE, CLICK HERE FOR SECURE ONLNE DONATIONS OF $10 OR MORE

We've got some work to do folks. We've been stuck at $342 all weekend and time is slipping away. Upward and onward to muffin glory!

Parks and wrecks

Meh. I was always an Arnold Palmer fan

The state of Florida dodged a very big, stupid bullet the other day when Sen. John Thrasher and state Rep. Patrick Rooney Jr. withdrew bills they had proposed that would have resulted in golf courses being built in our state parks.  "Ha ha ha! That's Clark, always with the outlandish jokery", you're saying. But no, this was not a joke. Senate Bill 1846 and House Bill 1239 were both very real and had they passed, would have required (not reccomended or suggested but required) the creation of something called the "Jack Nicklaus Golf Trail", which would have consisted of at least five, probably more, brand new golf courses (designed by Mr. Nicklaus, who normally charges $2.5 million to design a golf course, although he would have waived his fee for the first course and "only" charged $625,000 each for the rest of them, bless his heart) plus hotels with full liquor licenses that would have operated exempt from local governement regulations. All for the low, low price of money borrowed against future earnings, taxes and acres of state parks full of forests, springs and marshes. I'll let the glaringly obvious wrong-headedness on so many different levels of this proposition as to negate the necessity of a metaphor (although I'm going to make one anyway) sink in...

We got gallons of this stuff laying around doin' nothing; let's hire one...AND ONLY ONE...of our pals to make some baby toys that we can sell!

Thankfully, the media jumped on it (Howard Troxler's column in the St. Pete Times is where I learned about it) and the population, demonstrating rare but much appreciated common sense without regard to political factions, responded overwhelmingly, resulting in the legislation being withdrawn

"After much consideration and listening to the citizens of Florida, I have decided to withdraw HB 1239. Floridians spoke very clearly over the past several days on this proposal, and they are the reason I'm in office. I appreciate their concerns and hope this decision allays some of their fears. Please understand that my sole intention in filing this bill was one of economic development, my main objective in deciding to run for the state House last year." --Patrick Rooney, R-West Palm Beach, via Twitter



"Heh heh. So, like...we're cool now, right folks? Right?"



"Withdrawal from further consideration pending on Friday, March 11, 2011 4:04 PM." --Florida State Legislature's web site regarding Senate Bill 1846 proposed by Senator John Thrasher R-St. Augustine

"And I'd have gotten away with it if not for those meddling..."

So to sum up recent events, Florida's current power structure rejects billions of dollars in federal funds that could significantly improve our transportation system's infrastructure while creating jobs and bolstering a stagnant tourism industry, drags it's feet in regard to the creation of a database that would allow law enforcement to do something about the pipeline of illegally obtained prescription narcotics based here that floods the nation but proposes progress in the form of bulldozing public parks to let one of their famous buddies make more golf courses (in a state that already has more than any other state in the nation) and a handful of luxury hotels.

Muffin update: a plateau

Nothing new to report, as in no activity. I figured weekends would be tough. Plus, we lost an hour last night, didn't we? Shit. Oh well. Undaunted, we press on.
What say we break up the monotony of me banging on the begging drum with a little story about what happened to me at the drive-thru window at a local restaurant of a certain national fast food chain that rhymes with Schmackschmonald's:

CUSTOMER: I'd like a number one with a Coke, please.
DRIVE THRU: A number one and a what?
CUSTOMER: A Coke
DRIVE THRU: A what?
CUSTOMER: A number one and a Coke.
DRIVE THRU: A number one and a what?
ME (from the passenger side of the vehicle, as I am still without a vehicle of my own): A COKE!! Damn!

Seriously, what was the problem? He got the number one part right. Over and over again. How could he not recognize the word "Coke"? What do they have on the menu that even has a long "O" sound like the word "Coke"? Filet-O-Fish? Choseburger?

• I'd like a number one and that's no joke.
• I'd like a number one and I'm stoked!
• I'd like a number one for the pope.
• I'd like a number one and I don't smoke.
• I'd like a number one made of soap.
• I'd like a number one with egg yolk.
• I'd like a number one and to see you hanging from a rope.
• I'd like a number one, you jamoke.
• I'd like a number one but I'm broke.

Actually, it could have been that last one.

Anyway, back to the task at hand...please donate if you have not already done so, or if you'd just like to again because it's just that much gosh-darned fun to do so. A little, a lot, it all adds up. Also, please help spread the word. It's for a good cause and it's so sincerely appreciated, I can't even tell you. Go to yesterday's post to see what's in it for you (good stuff, I promise)!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE DONATION ONLINE...100% OF THE PROCEEDS GOES TO THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY

Muffin update: endless #FFriday

Today was a little slow. As in no activity during the day. Probably understandable, considering the events taking place in Japan (prayers to those people; I am now officially afraid of the planet Earth). So when I got home, I whipped up one of my famous themed Follow Friday (or #FF) campaigns on Twitter, which is used to promote people who should be followed by other Twitter users. This one is titled "Mu #FF inquest" and is dedicated solely to those who support the ongoing effort...

"Mu #FF inquest: @yborbunker @citizenjaney @RottenMom @jeffie2k @MarissaRapier @lunar456 That's it. Very exclusive club...for now. Join us!"

I'm going to keep this going, regardless of the day of the week. It's always Friday somewhere, right? No? It isn't? Well, shut up. I'm doing it anyway.
So here is your updated list of incentives to participate if you have not done so already:

• Strike a blow in the fight against cancer
• Help me get a muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City
• Earn chances to win a gift basket of the delicious muffins once the goal of $1500 is achieved (and it will be achieved)
• Get your very own exclusive blog post dedicated to you and any subject you like right here on this very blog (for donations of at least $33.69)
• Receive special recognition for your efforts on Twitter via Mu #FF inquest 

Say, there's a lotta action on that money! What gives, bub?

Oh, and speaking of updates...

$342.00

That's right, following the Twitter blast at the end of the day, we netted another $27 (thanks to Citizen Janey, a multiple contributor...yes, that is absolutely, positively allowed). Not bad at all!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Muffin update: making progress

Okay folks, here's where we stand after yesterday's cancer' fightin, muffin namin' after me action:

$315.00

That's an increase of $60, which is well ahead of the daily pace of $33.64 needed to reach the ultimate goal of $1500.00 by April 15th. In a word, that is AWESOME!

"I love the smell of muffins in the morning. Smells like...what is that, blueberry? Yummers!"

Yesterday's heroics were provided by two superstars:

• Jeff Hickmott, the hilarious rogue behind The World of Jeff and The Food of Jeff
• The much more refined and respectable (I'm sorry, Jeff, but everyone knows it's true though; you and I. we're bounders) yet no less incredible Crystal

They've done their part (and I owe Crystal a blog post) so who's going to take their place? Is it you? Well, why the $#%@ not? Do something good for people and let me say something good about you in public! Don't you want the whole world to know you're not a dink (at least when it comes to stepping up and  fighting cancer)? Of course you do! It doesn't have to be a lot of money; seriously, I will happily welcome a single $1 donation if that's all you can spare. Heck, if we get enough of those, I'll throw a muffin slumber party where we all lay around in big, fluffy canopy bunk beds made of muffins, having muffin pillow fights, doing each other's hair with muffins and then turning out the lights and telling muffin ghost stories while cancer is home alone, making up stories about its imaginary girlfriend in Canada.

She lives in Winnipeg and she's the lead singer in a band.

Spread the word, people. We're over 20% there. We can do this!

CLICK RIGHT HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Muffin update: the onslaught begins

Okay, after one day of a newly re-energized Campaign To Have A Muffin Named After Me At Tre Amici @ The Bunker And Defeat Cancer In The Process, Or Vice-Versa If That Makes You Feel Better (or CTHAMNAMTA@TBADCITPOVVITMYFB for short) the total stands at...

$255.00

As I mentioned previously, the pace needs to be about $33.64 a day to hit the magic mark of $1500 in time for Relay...AND WE PICKED UP $35 YESTERDAY! WOOOOOOOO!!

Do you believe in muffins? Yes!!

As promised, I now owe a full blog post dedicated to the whims of Miss Riss, the Pride of Kankakee, and I will make good on that promise as soon as she shares with me what exactly her whims be (that sounds a little dirty, but I'm okay with it). In the meantime, it's another day, another $33.69. So once again, let's get after it, everybody. Please donate what you can. Seriously, a single dollar donation is appreciated (multiple dollars are appreciated more, but I ain't turnin' down nothin'). If you've already donated, or you just can't for whatever reason, then just spread the word. There are free blog posts and a gift basket of delicious muffins at stake, in addition to fighting cancer, of course. As for me, I'm posting every day...every, single, stinkin' day...no more of this three-days-a-week crap, that's how serious I am about this...until the goal is met or the April 15 deadline gets here, whichever comes first. So if you want to shut me up early or just not see me sad a month from now, you'd better get to clickin', chicken.

CLICK RIGHT HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION

Did you think I'd forgotten?

I bet you did, didn't you? You probably thought I got all distracted by the hoopla and hullabaloo surrounding the success of the Drag Queen Bingo event back in January and completely forgot about my effort to raise $1500.00 in the fight against cancer and get a muffin named after me at Tre Amici @ The Bunker in Ybor City in the process. Maybe you thought that things were going so well with the overall effort of Team Daddy-O Alley Katz (currently in first place with $4214.02 in the bank) that I felt like it was okay to take my foot off the gas and coast a little bit. It's okay, I don't blame you. I have a well-deserved reputation for having a bad memory and being lazy. Your only mistake is underestimating my borderline-psychotic need for attention and my intense hatred for cancer. These two obsessions combined easily trump my forgetfulness and sloth. That's why starting today, I'm ramping up the muffin campaign. From zero to obnoxious, right here, right now.



Here's where the campaign stands...
So far, I've received donations totalling $220.00. That means I need another $1280.00 in the 38 days between now and Relay (April 15) to hit the $1500.00 mark, or about $33.69 a day.
Yikes.
Maybe I should have done this a week ago.
No matter. We press on.


Here's where you come in...
Donate! Please! A little, a lot, whatever you can spare. It all adds up and that's what matters. It's tax deductible and you will get to see your name scrolling on my Relay page in a fashion not unlike the end credits of a major Hollywood motion picture!
CLICK HERE TO MAKE A SECURE ONLINE DONATION


Here's where you come back in...
Now, I recognize many of you have already donated, for which I am intensely appreciative. I don't expect you to give again (of course, if you want to, far be it from me to discourage you). But what would be a tremendous help is if you spread the word among your friends/followers/readers/congregations/co-workers/cellmates, what have you.


Here's how you can do that...
Visit http://yborbunker.com/ in Ybor City and tell them you want to make a donation
Forward the original muffin post and/or this one and/or my Relay page to your email buddies
Write a post on your blog about it: "Check out what this idiot in Florida is doing".
Or good ol' fashioned word of mouth.
While you're at it, go ahead and give yourself credit for helping. You deserve it!
Have you ever gone viral? Don't you want to? All the cool kids are doing it. Here's your chance!


I don't expect you to do all the work...
I will be doing my part, believe me. I've got some ideas that extend beyond bombardment via this blog, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
You'll see.


What's in it for you...
The satisfaction you'll feel from doing your part to fight cancer is self-evident and obvious. But beyond that, every dollar that you donate will be an entry into a drawing to win a gift basket of the delicious muffins themselves once we win and the muffin is created by the muffinoligists at Tre Amici.

How about that? An actual prize!


But wait, there's more!
For every donation recived of $33.69 or more, I will devote an entire blog post to you, your business or whatever cause you choose. Ever wanted to see me praise the Black Eyed Peas, American Idol or some other abomination that you think is awesome? Here's your solid gold-plated $33.69 chance!

So thanks in advance and let's get this done!
Muffins!!

Rethinking the Sheen

A couple of days ago, I threw something out here about Charlie Sheen that was kind of dismissive because I didn't really care but felt I needed to jump on the bandwagon. I still don't care and at this point, I could really do without somebody interjecting a reference to Tiger Blood or "WINNING!" (with or without the "Duh") into every single conversation. But after listening to all the stuff he's saying, which is impossible to avoid since he and ongoing conversation about him is everywhere, I have to say I think he's right. Oh sure, I still think he's an asshole. But that's just my opinion and it doesn't make him wrong.
Consider the context: I really can't sit around my crummy apartment in my underwear, eating SpaghettiOs out of the can, counting the hours until I have to go back to work, watching news coverage on basic cable of a guy who has millions of dollars, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, surrounded by people who seem to love him and say, "Oh yeah, now there's somebody who needs to get his life together", can I? People, my Christmas tree is still up!
Whether or not we agree with the lifestyle choices the man makes, and whether or not those choices ultimately prove unwise are incidental. It would seem to me that he is in complete control of his life. And if that's not WINNING, well, what the hell is?

Everybody STILL hates Applebee's!

And all I wanted was this guy's bat

The other night I was sitting around minding my own business when all of a sudden my Twitter feed started blowin' up with mentions of moi:

• "Let's have a party and have @clarkbrooks as the guest of honor."
• "We can meet at #Chili's"
• "I'll buy the first round. Cheers, Clark! :)  "

At this point, I had no idea what was going on, but like a Labrador Retreiver, I was just very excited that other people were happy and that I'm somehow involved! However, being slightly more curious about my surroundings than the average Lab, I eventually asked what was going on. The answer I get was, "Someone asked about hating Applebee's. I directed her to your blog". That person also chimed in with, Any enemy of Applebees is a friend of mine. : ). Nice to meet you!"
Wow, seriously?
I mean, that's great. I love positive feedback. But that post I wrote about Applebee's was over three years ago. I don't even think I was that mean. Certainly not as mean as some of the comments I've received on it over the years:

• "I unaffectionately refer to this establishment as Craplebees."
• "...cant beat the happy hour...everything else sucks."
• "I'm sure you will be happy to know that this is the fifth article down on a Google search for 'hate applebees'."
• " Everyday, some cross-eyed person yells at me to make them macaroni." (That's from a former employee of Applebee's and is one of my favorite comments of all time as I believe it is the most accurate description of what hell is really like ever written.)

Again, Wow! I don't even think it's one of my better posts. Certainly not as good as "Denns the Menace is gay!" or the interviews with Lynne Austin, Maria Bamford or Steve Jerve or even the thing I wrote about riding the bus the other day. I guess it's just further proof of three fundamental truths; that people like what they like, they hate what they hate and they love hating Applebee's. That's fine with me, I'll take love, affection and positive feedback any way I can get it and the rest is Applebee's problem. It does make you wonder about that much hatred forcused on just one thing, though. What do you think would happen if the Westboro Baptist Church met at a Applebee's in Topeka to watch the Super Bowl half time show...?

"It's gonna be a while for those riblets, hon."

Much ado about Charlie

A while back, I wondered aloud if the degree of sensitivity applied to the chronicling of the personal problems of celebrities might be influenced by gender bias. Turns out the answer is a big, fat "NOPE!". If I wasn't sure after the Mel Gibson fiasco, the ongoing saga of Charlie Sheen vs. Chuck Lorre, CBS and losers with ugly wives and children everywhere has obliterated all doubt.
I don't have much to say about the situation but felt it needed to be included in this blog because...well, just to keep up with everybody else. I don't really have an opinion on his behavior. I don't particularly care for his tv sitcom. Depending on to whom he's talking (or what he had for breakfast or who knows: what), he doesn't either....although he still wants to get paid more for doing it. I don't know...or care...if he's on anything. Maybe he is perfectly clean and sober. Maybe he is just an asshole.
At any rate, in the event that you're not sick to death of hearing his name by the time you read this, here are three fun sites you can visit to drag out the experience just a little longer...

• Live The Sheen Dream - A random quote generator
• Cats Quote Charlie Sheen - Some of these actually make perfect sense when interpreted by felines.
• Sheen, Beck or Qaddafi? - Play along at home!